still in big girl mode

but i can't keep my soul folded.
[kerol sweetie, you know i want to stop being a big girl but life calls :p]

there's this constant need to write because not writing is making my soul shrivel and/or explode.
so for sustenance, i ended up reading.

and re-reading.

i mentioned ammu, love and hurt (how one diminishes the other) in a previous post so i ended up re-reading "god of small things."
i don't know, maybe because i'm emotionally suicidal?
that book is a difficult read for an emotionalist like me.
how unwise, but yeah, that's me :-)

i'm the baduy, reflective, introspective one.
i can still be funny, and loud, and honest to the point of being tactless but i know i've mellowed.

so introspection -- sorting.
i'm still in the task of weeding so the love-hurt equation is kind of helping me weed out the people and memories i need to let go of, or at least pickle first before i bottle them up and shelve them.

so *3*
i'm still having a hard time saying goodbye to everything he left me.
there was a lot of love but there was also a lot of hurt.
a LOT of hurt that if you knew, you'd wonder how it is possible that i survived.
i swear, you have no idea.
so you can just imagine the love that was there because although the amount (and frequency) of hurt made me love him less -- a whole lot less -- the love that was left was still more than enough.

my hesitancy to tuck that part of me away is owing to the knowledge that time will be my enemy. more than it will be a consequence, forgetting will be a punishment.

all the positives that described me before became comparatives because of him -- like strong to stronger, brave to braver.

i'm well aware that there is a hole in my universe taking *3*'s shape.
i don't know which way to look to not see that gaping hole.
seeing that void makes me feel it.
the emptiness.
the absence.

but yes, big girl mode on.
so i should.
no matter how unwise, i will.
bye *3*.
you have been loved.

it's done.
aray ko.

on a (blogging) break

need to focus on big girl stuff :p
as for venting, it's 44 days til christmas so there's always shopping :p


see you when the dust settles!

thank you for making friday better

friday was made bearable by my college friends and this little guy:



and i didn't need to talk about anything (although iza and i will still have brunch tomorrow so that's that).
these people are magic.

30 again

it's not always about having fun.

it's just that laughter made things a little bearable, you know?
endorphins.

i guess i'm just feeling a little hurt.
and just like what ammu said, when you hurt someone, it makes them love you a little less.
so yeah, there's lesser love now.

it is kind of pointless talking about it since i'm not the only one feeling the brunt but not having anyone to turn or run to makes it kind of worse, that's all.


i've just never been one to buy the we're-all-in-the-same-boat/you're-not-the only-one-feeling-this/other-people-have-it-worse-than-you excuse disguised as an explanation.
i don't know.
i don't want to think about it anymore.

i'll just be 30 again --- accepting and fulfilling responsibilities gracefully and quietly.

*shrug*