center of my universe

you used to be the best part of everyday.
i was defined by your existence in my life.

i am slowly easing into my new role: me without you.
i am not sad, bitter, or numb.
i'm just tired.

and a little empty.
you were a big part of my life.

i used to know everything about you. when people ask, i always had an answer. now i dont know where you are, because you are not with me.

it feels alien, you not here.

i will miss you. i promise.

back to basics

osho reduced it to two things:
people stay if they are happy
people leave if they are unhappy

so why not make people happy instead of expecting them to make you happy?
let it come from you.
besides, if you make someone happy, won't that make you happy?

it's that simple really.

when did it become so difficult?
that anyone would actually want to be defined by misery is beyond me.

i don't know why there are some who actually prefer being miserable.
forsan miseros meliora sequentur -- for those in misery, perhaps beter things will follow.
better ate, hindi bitter.

it's a good thing j gets it.

and i hope one day, you do too.

i think i'm ready to tell you how i feel about him.

if right now is a preview of forever, then i can't hack it.

i want the whole circus -- and everyday because i deserve it.
i want my halls to ring with laughter, my home to filled with love and have mad passion where it belongs.

i want my hearth -- cozy and comforting.

i know this might sound selfish because it's all about what i want but so? i'm claiming these things. they're mine, because i deserve all this.

with him, i'm scared that i've put too much importance on the history that it's like looking at the stars ... light from a thousand years ago.

i'm doubtful of what we have now.
how novel would it be to have that epic love, spanning lifetimes? quite a story to share, yes? it's the romantic sentimental fool in me that is gambling on this undefined relationship.

i used to think that it was okay but i don't want to sell myself short anymore.

you know what's funny? i don't know how to leave because i don't know we came to be or even if we already are.

i don't want to not have him in my life but it's hard for me to handle how he treats me now: a constant, a given.
steady.
steady -- i'm beginning to hate that word.
i don't want to leave just to prove him wrong but what we have is so quiet.
it's not the kind of quiet you feel watching the sun set on the horizon or the windmills turn.
it's the cold quiet a graveyard envelops you with.
with the same occasional sadness,
with regret pulling at your heartstrings for things left undone, and words left unsaid.
dead silence.

i'm going to close shop soon.

it's settled.

the etch-a-sketch that is my life?
i shook it.
really hard.
now it's a clean slate.
i'm more careful now with turning the knobs.

no more doodling.

this time, the drawing will make sense.

people around me notice it too.
i've even been accused of being in love.

nge.

patience and perspective

iza: pero mare, he has to cut you some slack -- yun lang.
vera: i guess. i'm tired na. i'm tired and it's making me all kinds of sad and frustrated.
iza: patience mare,patience.
vera: putang inang patience yan.

i can do patient, as long as i know there's something i'm gunning for. it doesn't matter if it isn't in sight, as long as i know it's there. eh pano kung i decide pala to scrap everything na lang and then yun pala ...
hay.

whodathunk that the 'parallel lines' analogy i came up with will come back and bite me in the ass?
ang laki pa naman ng pwet ko.
maybe i'm viweing the lines sa wrong perspective.



she says it's too soon to walk away, and my heart agrees but the tick-tocking in my head says it's overdue.
emotional decisions almost always had me bawling my heart out.
cerebral decisions almost always had me balling my fist.

she thinks that my fortressed soul and my calloused heart make me impenetrable.
of course not.
you just have to tell me.

knock.