*apir* tayo mare!

I made no resolutions for the New Year. The habit of making plans, of criticizing, sanctioning and molding my life, is too much of a daily event for me.
- Anais Nin

Actually.

Some people do resolutions annually, it's a daily grind for me.
Minsan weekly ... monthly when I'm steady but I can't do yearly resolutions ---tagal. I can't keep track. *duling*

Basta. Happy New Year!

i'm the worst person to pick a fight with

chances are, i won't fight back.
i'll just probably laugh at you, commit an ad hominem and be on my merry way.

what's the use anyway? you won't win :p HAHAHA kidding!
no really, what's the use?

i think the only people who have the right to fight me or hate me are people who know me. i think it's just laughable and neurotic to the nth level to decide you hate someone you don't know. and your basis is your opinion of the person? ay, winner ka 'day.
kakaloka.

yun lang.


----

oh and ehehe somebody taught me how to cheat on sabel:

before:




after:



backup lang yan. in case sabel gives me a harder time than she already does :p

i went to UP today

i took sabel out for picture-picture (and para masanay na rin ako sa kanya).
35mm pa rin ginamit ko so contact prints muna and drama nito. ang saya, ang florofoto nag p-process ng 120s! yay. unti-unti ko nang nararamdaman ang love. and people have been texting me numbers of places in cubao where i can get slides and have them processed. eto na, i can say it: "sabel! this must be love!"
masaya na uli ako na nakatira ako sa sikatuna heehee.

anyway so yun nga, i picture-pictured with sabel. meron pa ako kasabay na photographer na mukhang nananabunot (yihii!) tapos ang serious nya mag picture with his big-ass dslr. ako camera ko, plastic na nga, pula pa. nagpapanggap na viewmaster hahaha so lumayo ako sa kanya :p

anyway so yun, namashal lang ako. yung pictures that will follow, hind kay sabel yan, sa N95 lang, with labo labo settings kaya yung pusa tuloy glow in the dark.

walang marker dati yung beta way. dati ang tawag lang dyan, shortcut from AS to Eng'g. Did you know that there are 107 steps from the AS Parking Lot to Eng'g? Binilang namin ni Ging yun dati when we were bored :p

AS, female wing. Wala naman shang mashadong ignificance sa akin pero the spot i'm standing at? dyan ako umiyak nung 3rd year ako kasi i was brokenhearted -- CHAROT! ang saya ng college, ang drama!

ito yung pini-picturan nung photographer na mukhang nananabunot at nananampal hahaha. ginaya ko lang sha... tawag kami ni god.

new breed of tambays sa library

look, the parking lot is empty. i got teary eyed after taking this shot and texted iza, mark ang ge-ann got sad din. iza didn't reply ... and mark? he asked if there was isaw.

dati you had to look for manang para makita yung space coz her tindahan was nasa tapat nun but now, o-ha? asenso!

hay, AS.

sundial. i took a picture of it kasi i've always liked sundials. hassle lang the parol oh.

the pusa is glow in the dark. what fun!

si sir pumasok mag isa.

this shot is for ging and iza because we heart dirty ice ream. it made the drama that was college bearable. that and grilled cheese sandwhich :)

still in big girl mode

but i can't keep my soul folded.
[kerol sweetie, you know i want to stop being a big girl but life calls :p]

there's this constant need to write because not writing is making my soul shrivel and/or explode.
so for sustenance, i ended up reading.

and re-reading.

i mentioned ammu, love and hurt (how one diminishes the other) in a previous post so i ended up re-reading "god of small things."
i don't know, maybe because i'm emotionally suicidal?
that book is a difficult read for an emotionalist like me.
how unwise, but yeah, that's me :-)

i'm the baduy, reflective, introspective one.
i can still be funny, and loud, and honest to the point of being tactless but i know i've mellowed.

so introspection -- sorting.
i'm still in the task of weeding so the love-hurt equation is kind of helping me weed out the people and memories i need to let go of, or at least pickle first before i bottle them up and shelve them.

so *3*
i'm still having a hard time saying goodbye to everything he left me.
there was a lot of love but there was also a lot of hurt.
a LOT of hurt that if you knew, you'd wonder how it is possible that i survived.
i swear, you have no idea.
so you can just imagine the love that was there because although the amount (and frequency) of hurt made me love him less -- a whole lot less -- the love that was left was still more than enough.

my hesitancy to tuck that part of me away is owing to the knowledge that time will be my enemy. more than it will be a consequence, forgetting will be a punishment.

all the positives that described me before became comparatives because of him -- like strong to stronger, brave to braver.

i'm well aware that there is a hole in my universe taking *3*'s shape.
i don't know which way to look to not see that gaping hole.
seeing that void makes me feel it.
the emptiness.
the absence.

but yes, big girl mode on.
so i should.
no matter how unwise, i will.
bye *3*.
you have been loved.

it's done.
aray ko.

on a (blogging) break

need to focus on big girl stuff :p
as for venting, it's 44 days til christmas so there's always shopping :p


see you when the dust settles!

thank you for making friday better

friday was made bearable by my college friends and this little guy:



and i didn't need to talk about anything (although iza and i will still have brunch tomorrow so that's that).
these people are magic.

30 again

it's not always about having fun.

it's just that laughter made things a little bearable, you know?
endorphins.

i guess i'm just feeling a little hurt.
and just like what ammu said, when you hurt someone, it makes them love you a little less.
so yeah, there's lesser love now.

it is kind of pointless talking about it since i'm not the only one feeling the brunt but not having anyone to turn or run to makes it kind of worse, that's all.


i've just never been one to buy the we're-all-in-the-same-boat/you're-not-the only-one-feeling-this/other-people-have-it-worse-than-you excuse disguised as an explanation.
i don't know.
i don't want to think about it anymore.

i'll just be 30 again --- accepting and fulfilling responsibilities gracefully and quietly.

*shrug*

now THIS, i'd love to read

came out last tuesday.
wonder when it'll reach the bookstands here.

i read god and philosophy in college in preparation for my senior research because i was crazy enough to think my professor would approve a cliche :p
ayan, i ended up writing a paper debunking charity.
ay i'm digressing again!

anyway yeah, i read him again a few months after college.
i had a lot of time in my hands i ended up studying hermeneutics -- book of choice: the bible (bawal mag react!)
and then i read the qur'an/al-kitab,
the five classics of confucianism,
the bhagavad gita (which i didn't finish because the swirly drawings bothered me a lot, they gave me nightmares),
parts of the talmud,
the tao te ching
stuff about neopagan religions
.: religious diarrhea

i had to give the all this theism a rest so i turned to make up (nge) and anthony flew's presumption of atheism.
i don't know why. to level the field, i guess?

so yun.
and he comes out with this.
when i read about it, i let out a guffaw.
ha-HA!
yay you atheist you!

presuppose atheism pala until scientific proof of God's existence daw eh. and he is very clinical in his approach.
i'd like to see how he proves it --- and i'll have none of the thomist kakamotehan.

i guess antony flew couldn't escape the fact that he was a son of a preacher man -- well, methodist minsiter.

receptacle of useless information

So we were going down the escalade -- hahaha joke! escalator lang :p
so yun nga, we were going down the escalator when Red saw the tarp for the Psychic Festival.
Anyway...

R: Runes? What are those?
V: Elder Futhark Alphabet.
R: Huh?
V: Norse Alphabet. They were given to Odin, some NOrse god.
R: Si Thor ba 'to?
V: Hindi, si Odin nga. Basta, he hung himself upside down some tree ... I forget ... on the 9th day, yung point between life and death, he saw the Runes.
R: (gives me a weird look)
V: Totoo nga.
R: (look gets weirder)
V: Nagtatanong ka tapos pag sinagot, hindi maniniwala.

*kamot ulo*

haha ive always been the go-to gal for stuff that are walang kwenta,
like joao miranda --> the foriegn minister of angola hahahaha ngek diba? eh ano ngayon?
i'm pretty sure mu cousin ja can kick my ass now but at least it's still in the family :p

prettier and younger but not any better off

um, i want to complain.

i find whining therapeutic. sorry, i don't do the marinate-in-my-issues-suffer-in-silence bit.
nope, not me.

SO

i'm going lang to whine a bit kasi naka-file yung leave ko now which i will cancel because the oriah mountain dreamer is right ;-)

i swear if it weren't for the people i work with i'd have slit my wrist ages ago.

i've been thinking of stuff to complain about (hahah weirdo)i'm feeling iffy and complaining lets me get rid of that iffy-ness although i can't find something to legitimately complain about.

i thought about complaining about my zit of the year but i can conceal it naman so i have that um, covered hahaha baduy pun.

i'd like to complain that i'm getting pasty and that i need to babad under the sun again but ive the breathe happiness gradual tannng lotion so yeah, i'm breathing happiness and i'm tanning naman gradually harhar.

hay.
so what to complain about?
hmmm.
nothing really.
baduy. what a beige boring life :p
does this mean i don't need to go to greenhills tomorrow for some retail therapy? *teehee*
yeah, i don't need to but i will kasi gusto ko eh.

or maybe the iffy-ness is excitement in disguise. kasi nga i'm going on a field trip tomorrow hahaha. this is the first time this year that we're going shopping as a team outside eastwood :p

baka nga. heehee.
ang bilis ng paradigm shift no? :p crazy.

s anyway, no dumaguete this week.
we do want to got there as a team (kasi na budol ko sila eh).
have to map out when. kelan kaya oktoberfest dun? hmmm. gotta ask around.

nge. finish na.

although i can't imagine na nag p-party sila sa harap ng church.

so ito na lang ang babalikan ko doon:



how cute is it that it looks like siliman?




just one weekend please god, before i short circuit.

breathing blog entry

(of course i had to upload an old picture. payat days, you know :p)

anyway.
he doesn't look it 'no? but yeah, that's what marco is.
a walking, breathing, blog entry.

so i was browsing through the bestseller aisle a couple of hours ago, right?
and my mobile rings.

vera: yezzz marco?
marco: mare, meron ako tatanong sa yo.
vera: how to pronounce a word again?¹
marco: hindi. heeheehee (i swear he laughs like that)
vera: ano yun?
marco: matatawa ka.
vera: ano nga? (anticipating another endearingly absurd question hahaha)
marco: sino kumanta ng "...i'll be your wish, i'll be your dream, i'll be your fantasy?"

you knw at this point, if i weren't in a public place i would have either fainted or laughed like a hyena but since marco was laughing(slightly like a hyena) at the other end of the line and i was too vain to faint nga (plus masakit yun), sinagot ko na alng yung tanong nya.

vera: savage garden.
marco: ah ... heehee. nag d-download kasi ako ng songs nung kabataan² natin eh. may mga songs ako na ng boyzone ...

hahaha that was the clincher.
see?
walking, breathing blog entry.

_______________________

1 I received a phone call a couple of weeks back from marco's wife, duckee telling me that marco wanted to ask me something. of course, sheepish laughter could be heard in the background before the phone was passed. "mare, how do you pronounce w-a-n-d? waaand or wahnd? HAHAHA!

2 apparently kabataan for marco, is college. of course i had to tell him to download boyzone's cover of 'baby can i hold you' because our kabakyaan is the tie that binds us.

listening to dumb things make me dumb din

so right now, i have the il postino ost on loop.
maybe i can regain the IQ points that got shaved off the past couple of days. tapos i got sick pa. my utak got fried.
so i'll post this muna here so that my blog will have something beautiful naman for a change.


- I Like For You to be Still
by Pablo Neruda
I like for you to be still: it is as though you were absent,
and you hear me from far away and my voice does not touch you.
It seems as though your eyes had flown away
and it seems that a kiss had sealed your mouth.

As all things are filled with my soul
you emerge from the things, filled with my soul.
You are like my soul, a butterfly of dream,
and you are like the word Melancholy.

I like for you to be still, and you seem far away.
It sounds as though you were lamenting, a butterfly cooing like a dove.
And you hear me from far away, and my voice does not reach you:
Let me come to be still in your silence.

And let me talk to you with your silence
that is bright as a lamp, simple as a ring. You are like the night, with its stillness and constellations.
Your silence is that of a star, as remote and candid.

I like for you to be still: it is as though you were absent,
distant and full of sorrow as though you had died.
One word then, one smile, is enough.
And I am happy, happy that it's not true.

i think i'm ready to tell you how i feel about him.

if right now is a preview of forever, then i can't hack it.

i want the whole circus -- and everyday because i deserve it.
i want my halls to ring with laughter, my home to filled with love and have mad passion where it belongs.

i want my hearth -- cozy and comforting.

i know this might sound selfish because it's all about what i want but so? i'm claiming these things. they're mine, because i deserve all this.

with him, i'm scared that i've put too much importance on the history that it's like looking at the stars ... light from a thousand years ago.

i'm doubtful of what we have now.
how novel would it be to have that epic love, spanning lifetimes? quite a story to share, yes? it's the romantic sentimental fool in me that is gambling on this undefined relationship.

i used to think that it was okay but i don't want to sell myself short anymore.

you know what's funny? i don't know how to leave because i don't know we came to be or even if we already are.

i don't want to not have him in my life but it's hard for me to handle how he treats me now: a constant, a given.
steady.
steady -- i'm beginning to hate that word.
i don't want to leave just to prove him wrong but what we have is so quiet.
it's not the kind of quiet you feel watching the sun set on the horizon or the windmills turn.
it's the cold quiet a graveyard envelops you with.
with the same occasional sadness,
with regret pulling at your heartstrings for things left undone, and words left unsaid.
dead silence.

i'm going to close shop soon.

poveda repreznt!

eh hindi ako goldilocks eh.
ako yung ver HAHAHAH corny!
tama na nga.

ayan ang classic example ng 'greyish pallor' thanks to carl zeiss and his flashy thingy. i swear after that shot, phosphenes abound ngarf

we got stranded sa xocolat because it was raining really hard (see my hair? bad weather=bad hair) pero kebs. i was trying to take a picture of the rain kasi malaki yung patak nya and it was kind of pretty and ugly at the same time.

"iza, i can't capture the rain!" and she goes "... parang lang yan love ..."

i looked at her like she was some strange bruha and handed her the phone para sha na mag picture.
pinicturan si john lloyd. gotta love iza!

then we saw benny and lea and they hopped over, from coffee bean. laugh trip with benny and his "bora circa 97 sounds" hahaha and mistaking celine lopez for precious hipolito + lea's story about her 'avant garde' videographer who wanted to shoot the pre-nup sa bahay na pula in bulacan. heehee.

hay. these guys saved my sanity nung sunday.
after nun, i had to spend 9 hours in my hell with flourescent lighting.


ang buhay, walang kulay :(

ginawa namin sila background :p

last year 'to (obviously).
this was our pre-winter peak getaway.
i don't think we'd get to do a part 2 of this given the sudden developments.

my tag team partner resigned and jojo texted me kanina na there are stuff left undone. i'm on my 2nd day of leave pa lang (day 1 and 2 were waived because no one would dare admit that we are undermanned) and i told her, i'd report for work kung di lang fiesta ni sir frank. so i volunteered to work na lang on sunday.

150+ calls for R, 25 for O, backtracking of 60 IST transactions for Q4 benchmarking, plus the week- and month-end charts and numbers all due at the end of the quarter ... so tuesday night. *himatay*

hell begins on sunday. forgive me if i light up.

visit me sa eastwood, bring me coffee -- in an IV drip. be my salvation!
aida!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SIR FRANK!

.

na-try mo na trinoma?

si honey hindi pa so binitbit ko dun.


three little pigs sa five cows


i always have fun when i'm with the hipe sisters.
sayang honey is leaving again for singapore next weekend.
kerol, meet up with us!
we'll take happy pictures like this:

honey is eating my shirt hahaha!

and bakya ones like this:


kamote who'd believe that none of us is under 26? hahahaha!

ad astra :-)

"ngayon lang ako nakahinga. pero di kita nakalimutan: gusto ko lang ibalita sa yo na nanalo ako sa miclat, at maraming salamat at nagig bahagi ka nito." :-)

parang kelan lang, nagtutulungan tayo gawin yung poetry homework mo.

congratulations, you deserve it, and hello, given!

see you soon. five cows na 'to! :p

so, sorting

i used to have three bins: yes, no and maybe.

dati, the maybe bin gets filled up pretty fast.
being the pack rat that i am, my separation anxiety sometimes gets the better of me. the history of something -- or someone -- outweighs its/his/her relevance. sometimes even if know i should discard it, i get all sentimental and it goes into the maybe.

not anymore.

it's not about not giving value or what-not, but about realizing and accepting that its season is over and mustering enough courage to cut clean.
'kaythanksbye.

maybe my trash will be reworked and become someone else's treasure.
maybe i'll get inggit and have a why-didn't-i-think-of-that moment.
maybe i'll feel guilty and regret giving it up.

maybe.

the thing is,
the maybe bin is there only to buy me time eh. all things in the maybe bin will be sorted into the yesses and nos anyway, to be sorted further until the maybe bin is empty.

i'm streamlining my sorting.

(inhale.)


yes and no na lang.

the maybes go into the no. baka painful, baka i'll cry, baka i'll feel my insides knot but yung nga, deal na lang. we all know it's not easy -- unless you're made of teflon.
if i'm left with 1 thing in my yes bin, then so be it.
upside is i'll have more room ... not to fill, but space for me to move and dance like the dervish that i am.

so yun, look forward na sa upside :-)
let's get it on.


argh. hold my hand while i hold my breath!

the pair iza likes

these naman are my ligaw shoes. yihee, pasimple. boy and girl walking the pets kunwari pero nag papa-inlove naman hahaa.
crazy, ginawan ng kwento yung shoes :p

one big hanep gig and the 4am adventure

my eardrums have recovered na hahaha.
the last rock gig i went to was the NU rock awards a few years back when candice got me to do aia's face (and she won vocalist of the year yay). anyway, yun.

and in the 12 years we've known each other, kerol and i realized na it's the first time we went out na ganon like with beer and all and when pa i stopped smoking.

hahaha. baptism of fire. rock gig, beer, no yosi. whut?


(pretending to be a yosi and an astray)
nabuhay na lang ako sa cerveza negra and fries.

first time ko din i-watch sina ken. whattafriend ako. ngayon lang. and they're good.
pag close mo eyes mo and you just listen, parang hindi 2 people lang ang nag p-play.


one bogart and jc.

and whattafriend again.
now ko rin lang napanaood ang the haneps. hello. kamote.


vera: allen samson, is that you?
allen: binasted mo ako dati.

wushu. napalitan na ako sa buhay nito eh, palibhasa :p
musician na sha.


dati libre ngayn may TF na hahaha.
so much for committing to being poor forever :p at least kaya nyang sabihin yung last name ko.

and then after the let's bang my eardrums to oblivion, i met up wih kookie whom i havent seen for the longest time din. akala ko kasama si kai (baka kasi malapit na bday kaya awol) :p

so off we went to jay-j's for her vodka cruiser and my bibingka which she made bibingyag bibingcute.

so kwento.chismis.rant.

and on our way back to eastwood ...
"guess what, j*** ... what the fuck is wrong with my car?"

so yun. sa intersection ng ortigas and e rod, the car decided na she's done being a car but would rather be a roadblock.

"stress!"
"i have an emergency stick."

so the two non-smoker's shared a stick. cut us some slack, it was 4 am, we didn't know what to do. buti na ang kookie called her friend who came and picked us up. ngi, kung ako yun, i wouldn't know who to call at 4 am. ako yung tinatawagan ng ganyang oras eh hahaha.
anyhoo...

so what are two girls to do while waiting for salvation?
mag picture!


pissed/peaced & scared i think


pakyu kar!


and the police in camo from across the street who pushed the car to the other side of the road para hindi daw kami makaharang and then let us be.

we both got home naman. basta we've decided to pin the whole thing on j***.
harhar.

this is one of the better finds i scored at the last book fair. while everyone is pre-occupied with the secret, i chose to bury my nose in this book. the buddha knew the secret and has been sharing it to those who chose to listen.
(side-note: honestly, when i watched the video of the secret, i was like, this is it? but i knew this all along hahahaha, only i felt these were cosmic jokes.

ask, answer, receive
.: vera = spoiled child of the universe)


anyway, the six keys are based on the six perfections the buddha taught. these keys are 1) let it go, 2) do no harm, 3) bite your tongue, 4) sweat it out, 5) stick to the point, and 6) get real.

i have the letting go thing down to pat. doing the no harm thing. the real challenge will be biting my tongue. saka na the others.

hay. how does the FOB song go again? dealing weapons in the form of words. yun. eh i'm always locked and loaded. and sometimes i'm surrounded by sitting ducks. KAMON NAMAN!

so. i'm done spring cleaning kasi. i'm sorting na now. heehee.
next week i will celebrate.

celebrate with me!

we love ysabella

because we are bakya.

since the soap started, we've been intrigued with the lasa of Victoria's chicken and God bless the markting genius behind the idea of making it available to the viewing public.




hello, chicken. i love you.

it's like andok's* with crispy skin and there's the hint of sinamak sa end.


*i'm cheap, i love andok's eh. i eat andok's in boracay :p

awake

the past few days have been an awakening of sorts.
leave it to me to turn a blind eye and let everyone i hold dear off the hook.

last tuesday, i caught myself off guard when i started crying while telling jojo my story.

i haven't had coffee and tears in a long time.
of course i wasn't able to tell jojo everything but she got it.

i got berated for not being open, for not giving them any inkling how grave things were.
'wag mo kasi daanin sa biro.'
'wag mong ipinagdadamot sa self mo yung kindness na you freely bestow on others.'

those two things, i can't help. happiness is my social dysfunction; couple that with buddhism and you got me.


i felt kind of sheepish having to be reminded that i have 45,098,245,078 people around me who love me and are willing to listen. for someone as madaldal as i am, i can be pretty mum about the more important stuff.

my drama queen days are over. i'm more like an iron princess.
so fuck you for mistaking me for a courtesan.

:p

i feel useless

i guess i'm just so used with doing so many things, being busy and stuff that being not busy is making me sort of well, sad.

i was so ready to fix my room today but tara was here so nge. bukas.
i hate putting things off pa naman.
i'm scared kasi na if i put something off, knowing my utak, i'll end up forgetting or not wanting to do it at all because the moment of 'wanting to' (parang chinese na profound word 'no?) passed na and i do't really do retro wanting.
once i get over it, finish na. period. heehee.

wait.
i do agains pala.
rarely but it happens.
in my life, agains are pretty powerful. strong enough to make the same -- sometimes stronger -- impact in a different place/time/circumstance.

hay. i think kulang lang ako sa food.

today i made jalapeno and cilantro sour cream cheese quesadilla (na walang picture because we ate it na before i remembred food porning it).

ito na lang.
it's a mommy-daddy pic. go figure :p



extra pa yung shoulder ko sa mirror hahaha
argh! i'm bored!!!

vintage dolphins

filmed in funk-a-vision :p
trying out the old film effect. perfect for tagpi-tagpi videos. wala lang.
pwede na ako gumawa ng sarili kong verison ng the ring ... pero hindi ako sa well lalabas, sa fountain :p

...

too tired to blog.
kerol, our coffee date kanina would've been timely.
i didn't know i needed to talk pala.

need to weed

::: (walang connection but eh hidni ako coherent eh, ba't ba?)
because i'm almost done spring cleaning, my next thing-to-do is plant my own garden BECAUSE (say it with me kerol) we should not wait for someone to bring us flowers :p the last time someone gave me flowers because wala lang (and not because my pet died or because it's balentayms or it's my birthday) was so long ago i think the note that came with it was written in latin. :::

anyway, weeding -- it's a necessary evil. poor weeds don't mean any harm, it's just the way they were wired but for my garden to thrive, i need to uproot them.
it's nothing um, personal. hey if it were up to me, i'd rather the weeds co-exist peacefully with the pretty flowers but nge. so weeding is a have-to-do. those weeds, they can grow wherever they want and live out their purpose but not nga lang in my garden :p

like people.
sometimes, there are people in your life that need to be weeded out. it's not something you enjoy doing, because these are people nga and not unnecesary foliage lang but what will you do? wait for them to choke the life out of you?

i've been thinking about how to (for want of a better word) eliminate the weeds out of my life. some were pretty easy -- as in guiltlessly cutting off ties --- but there've been a couple that were pretty tricky.
weed grew the same time the flower did and magka dr. quack-quack na yung roots nila eh. kamote.
you've no choice but to uproot the flower as well, gingerly separate its roots from the roots of the weed, replant the flower in a pretty plant box and discard the weed to be burned later.

hirap, man. how do you do that without coming off as the cruel , heartless gardener?
you kid na lang tuloy yourself, thinking the weed's opinion should not matter kasi nga weed but that's so againts the gardener's nature. a gardener should be nurturing, making sure that the flowers bloom pero at the same time, killer sha ng weed.

bi-polar much?

hay. i kind of hate have-to-do's. i'm all for duty and responsibility but sometimes, i'm called to do it with clenched jaws and fists.

parehas ng stance ng boxer.
mag kaiba lang yung gloves.

so mag garden na lang talaga ako na naka boxers. ever.

now i can write

i had two kilos of "aarrgh" in my chest (and no, i'm not talking about the girls :p) and i didn't want to soil my blog by writing about them.
i let it out na so that's over.

i guess i'm just really lucky thankful to have people in my life who get me, and they are the ones i laugh with, and run to and keep.
PLUS they know the irritating, annoying, unlovable side of me
--- like how cranky i get when i'm hungry, how condescending i can sometimes sound, how i wish all the bad karma in the universe be reaped by a certain co-dependent, attention-whoring girl who is rotten rotten rotten to the very core ---
AND STILL forgive me for it because they get it.

i hope everyone has at least one person in their life who gets them, you know, people who not just understand but as in really really GET them.
yes, even that co-dependent, attention-whoring girl who is rotten rotten rotten to the very core.

the inner quiet you get by just being around them (even if your chismisan and laughter is loud enough to wake the dead) is priceless.
i can't describe what it's like but
if you have people like that in yours, you'll get it.

purgare anima meum

exhale.

i don't respond to passive-aggressive behaviour.
if you're mad pissed at me, tell me because really, you won't get anything from me if you're being cold and deadma.
i don't pick up on that.
i'm um, how do i say this -- dense. hahaha.
and you'll end up going crazier by the minute because my cluelessness will make it seem i'm nananadya tapos you'll end up giving up. sayang time and effort mo tuloy na you're mad tapos hindi ko alam diba?
BUT
on the rare occasion na gets ko, i'll get tired of waiting around for the set-to (sorry i don't corner people into admitting how they feel about me. that's too histrionic even for me)tapos i'll erase you na lang from my universe. i have no room for artistas.
that's it pansit.
that's my rant for the year. thank you.

on a happier happier notechibel, i have a new puppy.


haha kamukha ko.
the dawg and his bitch.
i'm crazy in love with him.

after pato died, jek gave birth to 5 puppies.
2 were stillborn so we had three puppies for a month -- espresso, latte and mocha.
and then jek died because of some freak accident (na i don't want to talk about because it will make me all kinds of sad and angry again and i don't like feeling that way.)
anyway, so espresso became all weak and tamad to eat and we thought he was just depress-depressan so we had him confined and stuff para mag live pero namatay eh.
shoot. tapos i talked to the vet and i asked her kung baka parvo and it was!
so nag panic naman ako and i told my mommy to confine the two other puppies.

yung lobby namin parang doggie hospital. long story short, gumaling naman yung dalawa but latte died of complications and si mocha na lang.

and now he's the king of everything.

our kitties tuloy are confined to the kitchen and the banyo, poor things.




i don't want naman to bring them out kasi it's starting to rain and they might get wet and scared and run away tapos i'll worry about them -- if they've eaten na, or if they're cold or baka they got run over and shit hay!

pet love = strezzz!

reason #542 why i should move to dumaguete

sa dumaguete, hindi ko mararanasan ma-stuck sa isang ma --- ba --- gal na elevator with a guy i used to date, and the best friend of another guy i went out with.

na kaming tatlo lang.

i've a secret.

i've had full bangs for three weeks now.




i had to deal with kurots sa pisngi, double-takes and a lot of hair- touching and OMG-i-didn't-recognize-yous :p

OA much? nope.
my brother did not recognize me.

Patô

[if you don't have a dog, might as well skip this post. you won't understand.]

my dog died this morning.
i stayed up holding her and she died in my arms.
i felt her life ebb.

i've been crying since.

i was planning on writing several anecdotes about her to turn this entry into something cathartic, and so that you can see why i love her and how much i love her but her death's reduced me to this grieving pile of tissue and tears.

she was this spitz-shepherd mix, she looked like a wolf, hardly cuddly-cute.
most of my friends were scared of her but she was the gentlest.



i dont know how long i'll be sad. i havent' been this sad in years but
i'd rather go through all the heartbreak i went through the past decade AGAIN than be this hurt now.

10 years we were together.
she saw me through turning points, bad fashion and horrendous men.

i was planning on bringing her with me to dumaguete, dammit.
she would have loved siliman.
i was just brave enough to decide on moving because my dog was coming with me.
i didnt care if i had to go through a ton of paperwork.
pato was my non-negotiable.
leave everything behind except my dog.

now i don't even want to go.

i'll miss her.
good bye bebidog.
i love you.


[iza, ge-ann, duckee, mark, jojo and pet, thanks. i'll be okay.]

i need a tub of chef tony's popcorn

aarrrgh!

don't you just hate it when people (feign concern and) tell you 'okay lang yan?'
of course it's not okay. kaya nga i'm stressing eh! like THE!

pakain kita sa buwaya eh.

anniversary ni 'ge at ni kiko ngayon

31 years ago today, my mom married my dad.

and 31 years after, he still holds the door open for her.
and her hand.

"vera, tu as grossi."

yes i did.
over the weekend too, thank you very much :p
i put the EAT in feat.
i think i should swear off buffets for the rest of the year.
the sushi buffet in ebisu was fine but the lunch buffet at alba?
bless me father for i have sinned! glutton-ton gutierrez!

i'll visualize na lang that scene from se7en para hindi na ako kakain mashado.
boo!

lovett

"Je pense que nous devrions voirs d'autres personnes. Moi même j'en vois depuis trois moins."

HAHAHAHAHAHA!
shet.

being obnoxious in another language is fun.

Hit a tripwire of smell ...

... and memories explode all at once. A complex vision leaps out of the undergrowth.

Sabi yan ni Diane Ackerman.

And it holds true for me.
I have a very sensitive gustatory system (kaya ako mahilig kumain -- heehee excuses, excuses blahdy-dah) pero kahit na my nose is not matangos, mas sensitive yung pang smell ko kesa taste.

and i bleed it. no hindi yung nose ko -- never nag bleed yun :p. i mean ine-exploit ko talaga yung sensitivity na yun.

i trigger memories. sadya. self-induced harhar. kaya ko i-transport yung diwa ko from here and now to my happy place basta naka pikit (or blindfold *wink*) tapos papa-smell mo lang ako ng something na i associate with that happy place.
eh yung memorya ko pa naman pang elepante, so very detailed yung montage na nag u-unfold.

eh i miss the beach.
bitin ka summer. boo to you!

this is the first weekend after 6 weeks na hindi na dampian ng araw yung balat ko.
hassle kasi yung rain eh :p

so yun, kanina nung naliligo ako, sinabay ko yung coconut scented body wash na sa bath salt (para maalat hahaha pretensyosa!), tapos slather the coconut scented lotion all over and then spritz ng exotic coconut na body spray hahahaha.

yun lang.
walang point, yun lang.

naks, quoting diane ackerman and meron pa akong gustatory system na nalalaman eh ang bottom line is gusto ko lang i-share na amoy latik na ako.

pwede na ako ipartner sa suman.

it's settled.

the etch-a-sketch that is my life?
i shook it.
really hard.
now it's a clean slate.
i'm more careful now with turning the knobs.

no more doodling.

this time, the drawing will make sense.

people around me notice it too.
i've even been accused of being in love.

nge.

claustrophobic

too close.
can't breathe.
need to get away.

are we related?

get your own visual DNA and see if we were separated at birth harhar!

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

friday five

1. Are you a back, stomach, or side sleeper? Does it change throughout the night?
--> Side. I know I do but when I wake up, I'm usually in the same position when I slept.

2. Do you have any bad sleeping habits (snoring/tooth grinding/talking/walking)?
--> Grind ehehehe.

3. How many hours of sleep do you average per night?
--> 4-6 hours usually but when I'm super tired i can do a Rip Van winkle :p

4. Are you a sound sleeper or do you wake up a lot?
--> Sound whne in a familiar place but I wake up a lot when I'm not comfy or settled.

5. Are you a "cold" or a "hot" sleeper? (i.e., Do you wear flannel pajamas and bury yourself under mountains of blankets, or do you throw your windows wide open in the middle of winter and complain about the heat?)
--> Cold. I like to burrow hihihi.

that getaway made me soft.

i never realized how much i've changed.
this epiphany should've dawned on me while i was there, but i guess i was too busy being there.
the closest i got to reflecting was the 30-minute lamok-fest on the balcony on our last night and that was sort of ruined by those three girls in wigs plying their wares harhar on the boulevard.

oh well.
i can't wait to be busy again -- it'll make me forget.

surprise

in the 7 years i've known J, i never would've have pegged him to be the quiet, introspective one.

he called the place inspirational. i could not have chosen a more appropriate word. maybe that's why i want to move there.

cosmic dares are so IRRITATING

that there's nothing you can do but laugh. harharHAARRRGH!
this showed up in my inbox this morning.



parang nagyari na to :p

EAVESDROPPER!

my goddaughter, katie

i feel old.
haha.

the day after

i went out into the lobby, a lit stick in hand, smoked and
hoped that if i stared long enough into the blank wall fronting our building, it will turn into the bay in dumaguete.

dapat siguro hindi sigarilyo ang hinithit ko :p

why sir frank is the best.

my dad came in my room, saw me, took of his glasses and held it to the light.
"wala namang tint ah. ba't ang itim mo?"

patience and perspective

iza: pero mare, he has to cut you some slack -- yun lang.
vera: i guess. i'm tired na. i'm tired and it's making me all kinds of sad and frustrated.
iza: patience mare,patience.
vera: putang inang patience yan.

i can do patient, as long as i know there's something i'm gunning for. it doesn't matter if it isn't in sight, as long as i know it's there. eh pano kung i decide pala to scrap everything na lang and then yun pala ...
hay.

whodathunk that the 'parallel lines' analogy i came up with will come back and bite me in the ass?
ang laki pa naman ng pwet ko.
maybe i'm viweing the lines sa wrong perspective.



she says it's too soon to walk away, and my heart agrees but the tick-tocking in my head says it's overdue.
emotional decisions almost always had me bawling my heart out.
cerebral decisions almost always had me balling my fist.

she thinks that my fortressed soul and my calloused heart make me impenetrable.
of course not.
you just have to tell me.

knock.